Cognitive dissonance in relationships: Why we consciously hurt ourselves

I recently faced such a situation. My rational beliefs told me that a relationship with this person had no future, but unconscious emotional reactions kept me coming back every time. I thought for a long time why this is exactly what happens, why we deliberately hurt ourselves. We understand that certain relationships harm us, but for some reason we return to them again and again, as if in a vicious circle. I realized that this conflict — is not uncommon and it has deep psychological roots.

I found a scientific explanation for this — cognitive dissonance. It is a state of psychological discomfort that occurs when two of our thoughts or beliefs contradict each other. On the one hand, we have a rational knowledge that this person does not meet our needs and the relationship with him has no future. On the other — we feel strong emotions, attachment and physical attraction. To reduce this dissonance, our brain tries to find an excuse: «Maybe I can change it», «Everything is not as bad as it seems», «My feelings are more important than logic».

From the point of view of biology, emotions often prevail over rational thinking. When we're in love, our brain produces a whole cocktail of hormones like dopamine (pleasure hormone) and oxytocin (attachment hormone). These substances create a powerful «high» that we associate with the object of our senses. Even when we know that relationships are destructive, we subconsciously seek to recreate these pleasant sensations, and this pulls us back.

The first thing we can pay attention to is — on behavior patterns from childhood. Our relationships as adults are largely shaped in childhood. If we grew up in an environment where love was unstable or related to drama, our brains could learn that's what «real» intimacy looks like. When we meet a person who reproduces these patterns, we unconsciously feel familiar and «native». It is a tragic paradox: we reach for what we are familiar with, even if it hurts us.

One of the reasons we go back to what hurts us is because of emotional dependence. Just as people can be addicted to alcohol or gambling, we can be addicted to certain emotions. If in the past our lives were full of emotional «swings», our brain gets used to such instability. In this case, a calm, healthy relationship can seem boring or «wrong». This habit makes us vulnerable to destructive relationships, because the brain perceives them as something familiar.

Often we idealize our partner, ignoring his shortcomings, and fall in love not with a real person, but with an image that we have created for ourselves. This illusion may be so strong that we are willing to ignore alarm signals. Another reason — fear of loneliness. Being alone with yourself is much more scary for many than being in a painful but familiar relationship. This fear pushes us to return to what is familiar, even if this «familiar» is a source of suffering.

What to do if it is impossible to avoid daily contact with a person? This greatly complicates the healing process, because constant presence fuels emotions and does not allow you to forget. In such a situation, you need to work on creating psychological distance, even if physical distance is not available. Try to minimize personal communication by talking only to the point. Consciously focus your attention on other people or work tasks. Use the «stop-thinking» technique when you start thinking about this person and switch your mind to another activity.

To get out of this vicious circle, you need to take a step towards self-worth. The first step is to fully realize and recognize the problem. Keeping a diary where you write down your feelings and arguments to the mind can help you see the situation from the outside. The second step is to focus on yourself. Direct your energy to your own life: find activities that bring joy, communicate with people who support you. And maybe consult a psychologist who will help you understand the reasons for your behavior. Remember that choosing yourself — is not selfish. It is a necessary concern for one's own mental health and happiness.